I have not written a Blog in almost a year. A year is a long time, yet it seems like it has only been two months.  This last year has been challenging and often frustrating.  When I am in the midst of a challenge or struggle, I tend to not want to talk about it.  It is difficult for me to be public with my challenges.  I always want the "right" answer and I usually won't talk about a problem until I know that one, CORRECT answer; thus my reason for not writing a Blog in such a long time. Additionally, I hate it when I make a mistake and I tend to be a demanding perfectionist of my own performance.  I would never have the same expectations for another person that I place upon myself.  As a Christian, I tend to apply this performance mindset to my relationship with the Lord.  In my head, I know it's false, but my day to day living and mental gymnastics are pervaded by this performance mindset.  Not only is it false, but also it pushes me away from Jesus, the one Source that loves and accepts me based on the Cross; not my performance.  ​Just a quick detour: I want to once more clarify, my Blogs are written to believers of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  Apart from the Gospel of Jesus Christ, I have no hope, cannot please God and cannot attain any worth apart from His Cross.  Living apart from the Gospel is a most hopeless state.  If you are not a believer, I have one simple question; "Why not?"  Okay, back to my Blog... 

​I value perseverance, strength and courage.  I admire a person who seems to be able to overcome insurmountable obstacles, who can persevere no matter what they face and who seems to have the courage to endure and overcome when everything around them tells them to quit and give up.  I am NOT that person, nor will I ever be.  No matter how hard I try, every time pain comes crashing into my life, it hurts and all I want is relief!  Where is the exit? Get me outta here!

​​Pain is unique in its ability to crush the soul and suffocate the heart.  Pain mocks hope.  Pain brings despair and weariness.  I have lost count of the number of times pain reduced me to an exhausted, wearied mess of a person, pleading and begging God for the minutest relief. If you can think of a possible reaction or response to pain, I probably have experienced it.